Monday, January 31, 2005
Peanut
I took the last few days off...that may become a habit in and of itself, especially with the baby coming. I didn't mention that yet, or did I, in a tangential way? Ms. Baby Peanut Taggart is scheduled to arrive on or around Feb. 19, 2005. That means in about 3 weeks, my life...err, our lives are going to change dramatically. Not for the worse, at least not in the big picture sense, but I know from experience how it can feel like that. The first 3 months are baby bootcamp -- sink or swim, figure out a way to handle it or go nuts trying. And they are amazing months, filled with surprises and delights and mysteries and love like you never imagined.
Back after dinner...
OK, now to complete my thoughts on Peanut. I think the impending birth of my second daughter is one of the main reasons that I've started this blog. The nagging thought that I don't remember as much about Ella's birth as I should (what happened in what order? what did it feel like to cut the cord? what did it feel like to hold her for the first time?) or more accurately as I want to has subconsciously prompted me to begin an online journal where I can record these thoughts, feelings and observations.
Yes, I expressed other motivation in previous posts, and I'm sure the reasons are all of the above and more. Tonight, 19 days away from the Blessed Birth, with Nicola poised to become a mom, with us as a couple poised to realize this dream that we shared...to build a life together and raise a family and live wide awake and full of purpose and meaning...well, we've got the family just about. The rest of it is a work in progress, as any relationship and most lives are. But a work in progress at least holds the potential of moving forward by virtue of that word progress. A work in regress would more accurately describe me and some of my previous relationships.
I love being a dad. Ella is the most precious, amazing, phenomenal blessing in my life. The other day she says, as we are driving home from school: "I have too much love in my heart. I just have to give some to the baby." Christ -- the genuine excitement and passion, that's what it's all about. Leave to Ella to say it so succinctly and to be the one to show me, yet again, how the seemingly complex can be so ridiculously simple. I love that kid more than simple keyboard strokes can express.
I'm here in California to share that love with her, to show her that a relationship gone awry between her parents doesn't mean she has to feel less loved or cheated somehow. The sins of the father have been visited upon me in several ways, but as Sean Connery says in "The Untouchables": "Here endeth the lesson." I am not my father, and the relationship I will have with my daughter will not fit the mold I've dealt with since 1977. And the relationship I have with my wife, for that matter, and with myself, for that matter, represent the break I've made from the Taggart Man Myths and Mistakes. Nicola...sweet Nicola...my star and my guide to a life full of love and truth and honesty and purpose and passion and happiness.
As I drift back from the psychoanalysis, let me say that I will digress from time to time into a rehash of the past and what I mess I made of it in certain places. But it's my mess, and I'll rehash if I want. And I'm doing my best to clean it up, including with this blog, I suppose.
So, Peanut, an early welcome. Your Dad's working on It, and he promises to treat you like the princess I'm sure you will be.
Future topics:
Shitty phone calls I need to make but don't want to
-----------------------------
What I'm listening to: Best of Morrissey
Back after dinner...
OK, now to complete my thoughts on Peanut. I think the impending birth of my second daughter is one of the main reasons that I've started this blog. The nagging thought that I don't remember as much about Ella's birth as I should (what happened in what order? what did it feel like to cut the cord? what did it feel like to hold her for the first time?) or more accurately as I want to has subconsciously prompted me to begin an online journal where I can record these thoughts, feelings and observations.
Yes, I expressed other motivation in previous posts, and I'm sure the reasons are all of the above and more. Tonight, 19 days away from the Blessed Birth, with Nicola poised to become a mom, with us as a couple poised to realize this dream that we shared...to build a life together and raise a family and live wide awake and full of purpose and meaning...well, we've got the family just about. The rest of it is a work in progress, as any relationship and most lives are. But a work in progress at least holds the potential of moving forward by virtue of that word progress. A work in regress would more accurately describe me and some of my previous relationships.
I love being a dad. Ella is the most precious, amazing, phenomenal blessing in my life. The other day she says, as we are driving home from school: "I have too much love in my heart. I just have to give some to the baby." Christ -- the genuine excitement and passion, that's what it's all about. Leave to Ella to say it so succinctly and to be the one to show me, yet again, how the seemingly complex can be so ridiculously simple. I love that kid more than simple keyboard strokes can express.
I'm here in California to share that love with her, to show her that a relationship gone awry between her parents doesn't mean she has to feel less loved or cheated somehow. The sins of the father have been visited upon me in several ways, but as Sean Connery says in "The Untouchables": "Here endeth the lesson." I am not my father, and the relationship I will have with my daughter will not fit the mold I've dealt with since 1977. And the relationship I have with my wife, for that matter, and with myself, for that matter, represent the break I've made from the Taggart Man Myths and Mistakes. Nicola...sweet Nicola...my star and my guide to a life full of love and truth and honesty and purpose and passion and happiness.
As I drift back from the psychoanalysis, let me say that I will digress from time to time into a rehash of the past and what I mess I made of it in certain places. But it's my mess, and I'll rehash if I want. And I'm doing my best to clean it up, including with this blog, I suppose.
So, Peanut, an early welcome. Your Dad's working on It, and he promises to treat you like the princess I'm sure you will be.
Future topics:
Shitty phone calls I need to make but don't want to
-----------------------------
What I'm listening to: Best of Morrissey
// posted by Bill @ 7:43 PM 
