Sunday, February 20, 2005
Disappointment
I suppose being disappointed about the delayed birth of our daugther is normal...but perhaps we don't deserve much sympathy, as the due date is tomorrow. She's not even late, and we're disappointed that she's late! I will choose not to read anything into this and how it might predict our level of patience and understanding during her toddler or teenage years.
I guess we were both just sure that Lindsay (?) would be here by now, and I think we (more me?) have a small complex as the calendar creeps toward Feb. 27, which is Ella's birthday. She's not expressed any problem with having her little sister have a birthday near hers. In fact, we were talking today about seeing Ella this Thursday and doing our little birthday celebration then, and how that could be impacted by the baby's arrival. I said something like, "Maybe the baby won't be here, but maybe she will be," and Ella replied, "Which would make it even more special!" So we are putting our baggage on the close birthday thing -- it doesn't seem to be an issue to Ella (yet). She does seem sad and a bit disappointed that her little sister isn't here yet. In trying to keep her involved and share our excitement, we may have raised her hopes that this was the big weekend. And her being here with us made it all the more appealing a possibility for her, I think. So ever since she woke up from a short, late nap, she's been out of sorts -- "I miss mommy," random tears, not falling asleep for hours once she's in bed. In short...totally normal behavior for a near 5-year-old, but abnormal for our Ella, the Little Rock Star Child. I really struggle at times when she is sad or funky or off...because that just isn't her, in my mind. But that is part of her, and I have to let her experience her emotions and let her learn to deal with them. Again: focus on what is your own bullshit, and don't make up stuff that you think is hers.
Even my desire to have more time with Ella...is that driven by what's best for her, what's best for me, what's a principled stand against Michelle...or some combo of these? I keep banging my head against the wall with Michelle, who refuses to even consider having Ella stay over her on the off Thursdays. Completely irrational, in my mind. But my relationship with Ella does not hinge on that one night, nor does the present defeat on this mean I won't gain ground down the road. Focus on the long term...choose your battles...but stand your ground too. Don't let the guilt-laden vitriol that Michelle likes to dish when she's challenged convince you don't deserve the best possible relationship with Ella. I deserve that, and Ella deserves and needs that.
I am so grateful for the love and bond between Nicola and Ella. There have been unbelievable moments this weekend: Nicola brushing Ella's hair in the bathrrom as Ella faced her tummy and planted kiss after kiss on the pregnant belly; Nicola resting in bed this morning, and Ella and I go to check on her, and Ella climbs up next to her and leans up against her shoulder and touches the belly (I got tears in my eyes). There is a true connection between those two that just warms my heart...I have a lot to give to Ella, but the love and warmth in this house that she feels is filled out and completed by Nicola. We are a family.
And, dear Lindsay (?), welcome to the family. We're waiting for you, and we've already made room in our hearts.
(My favorite vignette today: Ella in pink skort, striped shirt, pink sweatsuit jacket and green frog rain boots, running through the outdoor mall in Alameda in desperate search of a puddle to jump in. She was so cute today, and such a big help with groceries and stuff around the house. Amazing.)
Got to learn to post some pictures here -- the pregnant belly is not to be believed! So low and...oblong now...jutting straight out.
Off work tomorrow for President's Day. Is a trip to the hospital in the cards? I am guessing...no. My new date is Feb. 23. But tomorrow would be OK too!
I guess we were both just sure that Lindsay (?) would be here by now, and I think we (more me?) have a small complex as the calendar creeps toward Feb. 27, which is Ella's birthday. She's not expressed any problem with having her little sister have a birthday near hers. In fact, we were talking today about seeing Ella this Thursday and doing our little birthday celebration then, and how that could be impacted by the baby's arrival. I said something like, "Maybe the baby won't be here, but maybe she will be," and Ella replied, "Which would make it even more special!" So we are putting our baggage on the close birthday thing -- it doesn't seem to be an issue to Ella (yet). She does seem sad and a bit disappointed that her little sister isn't here yet. In trying to keep her involved and share our excitement, we may have raised her hopes that this was the big weekend. And her being here with us made it all the more appealing a possibility for her, I think. So ever since she woke up from a short, late nap, she's been out of sorts -- "I miss mommy," random tears, not falling asleep for hours once she's in bed. In short...totally normal behavior for a near 5-year-old, but abnormal for our Ella, the Little Rock Star Child. I really struggle at times when she is sad or funky or off...because that just isn't her, in my mind. But that is part of her, and I have to let her experience her emotions and let her learn to deal with them. Again: focus on what is your own bullshit, and don't make up stuff that you think is hers.
Even my desire to have more time with Ella...is that driven by what's best for her, what's best for me, what's a principled stand against Michelle...or some combo of these? I keep banging my head against the wall with Michelle, who refuses to even consider having Ella stay over her on the off Thursdays. Completely irrational, in my mind. But my relationship with Ella does not hinge on that one night, nor does the present defeat on this mean I won't gain ground down the road. Focus on the long term...choose your battles...but stand your ground too. Don't let the guilt-laden vitriol that Michelle likes to dish when she's challenged convince you don't deserve the best possible relationship with Ella. I deserve that, and Ella deserves and needs that.
I am so grateful for the love and bond between Nicola and Ella. There have been unbelievable moments this weekend: Nicola brushing Ella's hair in the bathrrom as Ella faced her tummy and planted kiss after kiss on the pregnant belly; Nicola resting in bed this morning, and Ella and I go to check on her, and Ella climbs up next to her and leans up against her shoulder and touches the belly (I got tears in my eyes). There is a true connection between those two that just warms my heart...I have a lot to give to Ella, but the love and warmth in this house that she feels is filled out and completed by Nicola. We are a family.
And, dear Lindsay (?), welcome to the family. We're waiting for you, and we've already made room in our hearts.
(My favorite vignette today: Ella in pink skort, striped shirt, pink sweatsuit jacket and green frog rain boots, running through the outdoor mall in Alameda in desperate search of a puddle to jump in. She was so cute today, and such a big help with groceries and stuff around the house. Amazing.)
Got to learn to post some pictures here -- the pregnant belly is not to be believed! So low and...oblong now...jutting straight out.
Off work tomorrow for President's Day. Is a trip to the hospital in the cards? I am guessing...no. My new date is Feb. 23. But tomorrow would be OK too!
// posted by Bill @ 10:17 PM 
