Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Why so sensitive?
I'm wondering lately why I'm so freakin' sensitive to conflict and why I can be made uncomfortable so easily. Examples -- I was in this meeting at work yesterday where there was obvious displeasure from the other folks about how the Web site project was going and how late in the game they were being informed of changes. My reaction was to clam up and put my head down and let Peggy handle it -- total conflict avoidance, as usual. And then tonight (and this happens frequently), I got really uncomfortable watching the poor schmoes on various TV shows make total fools of themselves. It's like watching figure skating or comedians -- the anticipation of the flop (figurative or literal) is almost painful for me.
Maybe these aren't exactly the same thing, but perhaps the root cause is -- not that I know what that cause is. Lack of confidence? Tendency to take conflict personally? Equating conflict with disapproval? Not being breastfed as a child? Over-developed inclination to please people...to the point of deception and untruth? That was my childhood pattern -- "Did you bend the hinges on that cabinet? Did you have an accident? Did you cross Route 30 after school? Where did you get that candy/hot wheels car/dirty magazine?" would be the question, and I would blatantly lie instead of fessing up. Not an uncommon childhood instinct, but looking back, I think I took it to pathological extremes at times. Perhaps that's why I went to talk to "Ron" on a weekly basis about my anger/communication issues and how to better express myself and stop wetting the bed. I just liked the Tang in those plastic Solo cups, inserted into a brown plastic faux coffee cup. I don't remember a single thing we talked about, let alone a breakthrough of any sort. I don't remember why I stopped going. I remember I would get a donut afterwards when I first started going, in Massachusetts. And I wonder if those pills to help my bladder control were really a placebo. I mean, is there such a pill?
If/when anyone reads this, I am likely to be mortified by some of these revelations, but who's going to read this anyway?
I avoid conflict of all sorts -- I don't even want to make several phone calls I must make because they are going to be hard or embarrassing or they have some unknowns attached.
Maybe these aren't exactly the same thing, but perhaps the root cause is -- not that I know what that cause is. Lack of confidence? Tendency to take conflict personally? Equating conflict with disapproval? Not being breastfed as a child? Over-developed inclination to please people...to the point of deception and untruth? That was my childhood pattern -- "Did you bend the hinges on that cabinet? Did you have an accident? Did you cross Route 30 after school? Where did you get that candy/hot wheels car/dirty magazine?" would be the question, and I would blatantly lie instead of fessing up. Not an uncommon childhood instinct, but looking back, I think I took it to pathological extremes at times. Perhaps that's why I went to talk to "Ron" on a weekly basis about my anger/communication issues and how to better express myself and stop wetting the bed. I just liked the Tang in those plastic Solo cups, inserted into a brown plastic faux coffee cup. I don't remember a single thing we talked about, let alone a breakthrough of any sort. I don't remember why I stopped going. I remember I would get a donut afterwards when I first started going, in Massachusetts. And I wonder if those pills to help my bladder control were really a placebo. I mean, is there such a pill?
If/when anyone reads this, I am likely to be mortified by some of these revelations, but who's going to read this anyway?
I avoid conflict of all sorts -- I don't even want to make several phone calls I must make because they are going to be hard or embarrassing or they have some unknowns attached.
- Call the credit card company and ask them to reduce the interest rates
- Call the hotel and Boise and transfer the rooms to Thad's name
- Call Southwest airlines and tell them I am not using my ticket
- Call the life insurance company to schedule a physical
- Call my ex-brother-in-law to tell him I'm moving my investments that he manages
Several of those are easy. The last one makes my heart flutter and makes me want to do anything -- cut the dog's toenails -- instead of making the call. I haven't talked to the guy in 3 years, since shortly before Michelle and I separated. I went from the godparent to his child to a stranger, just like that. Let's hope that "time heals all wounds" applies in some partial way. As much as I dread this particular call, I am not so afraid of conflict that I would take the route of total cowardice and simply send in the paperwork without a call. No -- got to be bigger than that.
If I'm going to continue to grow as a person, I've got to confront my fear of conflict and understand and deal with it. And I'll start...real soon.
Other news:
- 17 days to the due date
- We're down to Julia or Lindsay as the name. I'm on the fence. My childhood crush on the star of "The Bionic Woman" could tip the balance.
- We're visiting the hospital this weekend to check it out. Ella is going with us.
- Super Bowl this weekend -- go Pats!
- What the fuck happened to the heat bill, going up to $184? Time to start wearing much more wool around the house.
// posted by Bill @ 9:16 PM 
