Thursday, March 03, 2005
After birth...
..comes parenting! And the overwhelming (at times) obligations that accompany this most important of jobs. I still haven't finished the entry from the other night, detailing the day Lindsay was born, one week ago. One week to write that up -- I guess that's about par for the course for a new dad. I can't complain much -- Lindsay has been, by large, a fantastic sleeper during this first week. But the demands on our time have shifted so dramatically that I find myself very easily blowing this journal off in favor of some shut eye.
I consider myself someone who has had trouble finishing things in my life. Too many disappointing examples to enumerate here, but trust me, it's true. I'd like this to be different, for my own sake more than anything, but also for the sake of Lindsay and Ella and Nicola.
I mean, who else is going to document Ella's star showing tonight during her first evening at our house with Lindsay. Her eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning when she walked in the door and saw Lindsay sleeping in the "bucket" on the couch, and for the next 3 hours, she never wanted to leave her little sister's side. She held her little hand, she stroked her head, she kissed her brow. She even skipped desert in order to watch Nicola breastfeed -- now if that doesn't tell ya something! Ella just couldn't get enough, from observing diaper changes to reading books to Lindsay. And the peak of it all was as Ella was in the bathroom, just before bedtime, singing and making up the following song (excerpted -- I was laughing too hard to remember all of it):
I love my sister!
She's the sweetest and the cutest and the smoochiest.
I'm so glad I have a sister and not a brother.
Sisters are much better than brothers.
Brothers are mean to each other.
I can't begin to do this justice...but for God's sake, how unbelievably blessed are we? Ella -- I just love that kid more and more everyday. She told me she would like to be here everyday until Lindsay is not a baby anymore (a year?)...and shit, I wish I could make that happen. There's a certain bittersweet current running deep beneath this happiness...not regret, exactly, but just a wish of some kind that things had turned out differently so I was married to this incredible woman (who I blundered badly with on the birth "recognition" -- story for another time) AND had Ella 24/7. I suppose it's good we are here, making the best of a mostly good but occasionally sad and frustrating situation. Ella will know her father and will have a solid, loving, parental relationship with him, and she will benefit from having a totally cool, open-minded and supportive step mother, and she will get to be a big sister.
Some much more to say, but I think the key to writing here daily is to write short. 10 minutes, in and out.
Before I go, a few quick observations on the past week:
I consider myself someone who has had trouble finishing things in my life. Too many disappointing examples to enumerate here, but trust me, it's true. I'd like this to be different, for my own sake more than anything, but also for the sake of Lindsay and Ella and Nicola.
I mean, who else is going to document Ella's star showing tonight during her first evening at our house with Lindsay. Her eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning when she walked in the door and saw Lindsay sleeping in the "bucket" on the couch, and for the next 3 hours, she never wanted to leave her little sister's side. She held her little hand, she stroked her head, she kissed her brow. She even skipped desert in order to watch Nicola breastfeed -- now if that doesn't tell ya something! Ella just couldn't get enough, from observing diaper changes to reading books to Lindsay. And the peak of it all was as Ella was in the bathroom, just before bedtime, singing and making up the following song (excerpted -- I was laughing too hard to remember all of it):
I love my sister!
She's the sweetest and the cutest and the smoochiest.
I'm so glad I have a sister and not a brother.
Sisters are much better than brothers.
Brothers are mean to each other.
I can't begin to do this justice...but for God's sake, how unbelievably blessed are we? Ella -- I just love that kid more and more everyday. She told me she would like to be here everyday until Lindsay is not a baby anymore (a year?)...and shit, I wish I could make that happen. There's a certain bittersweet current running deep beneath this happiness...not regret, exactly, but just a wish of some kind that things had turned out differently so I was married to this incredible woman (who I blundered badly with on the birth "recognition" -- story for another time) AND had Ella 24/7. I suppose it's good we are here, making the best of a mostly good but occasionally sad and frustrating situation. Ella will know her father and will have a solid, loving, parental relationship with him, and she will benefit from having a totally cool, open-minded and supportive step mother, and she will get to be a big sister.
Some much more to say, but I think the key to writing here daily is to write short. 10 minutes, in and out.
Before I go, a few quick observations on the past week:
- Tom and Phoenix are awesome. Any reservations I may have had about having family/parents around when the baby was born -- poof! History (probably literally -- that perspective is baggage from the past, I believe). They were touched by sharing this time with us, and we felt the same. I'm so glad they came, and I feel the better for knowing them.
- Nicola's emotional ups and downs this week are to be expected -- hormones, sleep deprivation, anxiety over the unknown, etc. And there are absolutely legitimate issues: Lindsay's "lucky" ear (more on her microtia another time), me going back to work, DrScore pressure, adjusting to the changes in lifestyle, and so forth. I sometimes feel like I'm not doing enough to help smooth new parenthood's rough edges. If only I could breastfeed!
- There is no feeling in the world like holding a 5-day-old baby in your arms and watching it sleep innocently. And no feeling like the racing heart and flop sweat that come with unsoothable screams and cries.
- First outing: walk around the block, Sunday (day 3). We took Lindsay to the grocery store on day 6 -- not sure how smart that was.
- How soon will those eyes stop crossing? That freaks me out.
- Nicola still does it for me...we shared an incredibly passionate, tender kiss the other day that expressed more than I could ever say in words about what she means to me and how I feel about her. We both felt it, and that connection was just what we needed at that moment. It's easy to lose sight of your partner right in front of you when you spend so much time staring downward at 7 pounds of joy in your arms.
- The first week has gone as well as could be expected. Despite what I just said above, there is a real bonding component to infant care -- just you two and the baby, taking on the big bad world together! We've hunkered down and slowed down time into 3-hour increments and we just manage, each increment at a time. And next thing you know, the kid is five and telling you "I feel awesome! I feel incredible!" about being a big sister.
10 minutes minimum each night. Come on. I can do that, right?
// posted by Bill @ 9:34 PM 
