Monday, April 25, 2005
Crisis of confidence
Lindsay's passed the 2-month mark officially, as of yesterday, and developments abound. Smiles, a giggle (so Nicola tells me), cooing, drooling. All significant, of course. She's also in a tweener stage, 'tween sleeping wherever works and sleeping where we (they?) think she should be sleeping. The almighty swing has lost some of its luster, but it still works pretty consistently. The key is getting her basically asleep before you put her in the swing...and it is this task that I failed tonight...that led to my crisis of confidence. There are times when I just don't feel like I know what the hell I'm doing as a father. Maybe I think that I should have all the answers and a few tricks up my sleeve from having gone through this before, and yet it seems like I've struggled to find a way (ways) to soothe Lindsay when she's upset or tired.
Tonight, as I was coming home on the train, I was thinking that I really wanted to give Nicola a break, because last night was choppy and the day sounded like it had been draining. So, I thought, I'll go home and I'll just take over with Lindsay for a few hours to help out. We went on a long walk together -- all of us -- right away, which was great, and then I ran to the pet store as Lindsay nursed. When I got back, maybe a little after 7, Lindsay was on the verge of sleeping (so we thought). I changed her diaper...and 45 minutes later, still no slumber. We tried wakling, rocking, upright hold, sideways hold, lying on the bed, shhhing, pacifier, no pacifier, gripe water, singing, TV as background noise, and so on. And Lindsay's adorable little eyes just wouldn't shut. Nicola "The Closer" came in to finish her off...and I sulked, beating myself up for my inability to get our daughter to sleep.
I suppose I should try to take the long view here. My previous fathering experience should, at the very least, remind me that the first 3 months+ are a circus of never-ending variation and mystery. What works one day (minute) doesn't work the next. Signals are missed and mixed. Needs are changing. Bodies and rhythms are changing. So...cut yourself some slack. If you can't solve the problem or provide the miracle trick, do your part by being present and being present often. Is there an undercurrent of guilt here, because Nicola has spared me some of the overnight rituals? Perhaps. More than likely.
I greatly hesitate to quote Dr. Phil, but I should be a "soft place to land" for Nicola and Lindsay at the end of a long day, and my contributions can come in many forms. This is a challenging and magical time all at once. I guess you can say that about most times in a child's life, and yet I find myself...awaiting the "easier" times ahead. Next month/next year will be good...but not better? Just good in a different way than right now is good. And it is good, my worries about my flagging fathering skills aside. Right before our eyes, a little person is developing. Hey, Lindsay, you don't even know what roses are yet, but thanks for reminding me to smell them every once in a while. And Nicola...thanks for your patience and love and support and for doing what you do with such love, grace and purpose. You inspire me.
Tonight, as I was coming home on the train, I was thinking that I really wanted to give Nicola a break, because last night was choppy and the day sounded like it had been draining. So, I thought, I'll go home and I'll just take over with Lindsay for a few hours to help out. We went on a long walk together -- all of us -- right away, which was great, and then I ran to the pet store as Lindsay nursed. When I got back, maybe a little after 7, Lindsay was on the verge of sleeping (so we thought). I changed her diaper...and 45 minutes later, still no slumber. We tried wakling, rocking, upright hold, sideways hold, lying on the bed, shhhing, pacifier, no pacifier, gripe water, singing, TV as background noise, and so on. And Lindsay's adorable little eyes just wouldn't shut. Nicola "The Closer" came in to finish her off...and I sulked, beating myself up for my inability to get our daughter to sleep.
I suppose I should try to take the long view here. My previous fathering experience should, at the very least, remind me that the first 3 months+ are a circus of never-ending variation and mystery. What works one day (minute) doesn't work the next. Signals are missed and mixed. Needs are changing. Bodies and rhythms are changing. So...cut yourself some slack. If you can't solve the problem or provide the miracle trick, do your part by being present and being present often. Is there an undercurrent of guilt here, because Nicola has spared me some of the overnight rituals? Perhaps. More than likely.
I greatly hesitate to quote Dr. Phil, but I should be a "soft place to land" for Nicola and Lindsay at the end of a long day, and my contributions can come in many forms. This is a challenging and magical time all at once. I guess you can say that about most times in a child's life, and yet I find myself...awaiting the "easier" times ahead. Next month/next year will be good...but not better? Just good in a different way than right now is good. And it is good, my worries about my flagging fathering skills aside. Right before our eyes, a little person is developing. Hey, Lindsay, you don't even know what roses are yet, but thanks for reminding me to smell them every once in a while. And Nicola...thanks for your patience and love and support and for doing what you do with such love, grace and purpose. You inspire me.
// posted by Bill @ 9:52 PM 
