Thursday, May 05, 2005
Ass-what?
I had quite a frustrating day, between dealing with pissy co-workers questioning my competence and an irrational ex-wife who won't show me the respect I deserve as Ella's father.
So what a treat to show up at Ella's school to pick her up, and within three minutes she and her friends are licking the torn pieces of a microwave popcorn bag in order to get the butter. "Mmm, I love butter," says Ella, who is not the little porky child you might expect based on this statement. Anyway, it struck me as so absurd and so unexpected and so ...later, after I was distracted and quiet for some of the evening. Ella eventually did help me get out of my mood, as did Nicola...but I wish I could have taken a deep breath at Ella's school and just let it all go and focused on her and on the family when I got home.
I think I was just way thrown off by the nasty spin of the conversation with my ex today. The upshot is that she has no interest in giving me anything I want in terms of more time with Ella, and she retreats into a defensive corner where she tosses out old barbs and rehashes stuff from three years ago, playing the victim. Ah, fuck. It's not even worth going over. I've got to formulate a plan for getting what I want...and what I DESERVE as Ella's father, including respect.
OK, I didn't want too negative. I don't want it to overshadow the joy I got today when Lindsay smiled at me and when I watched Ella play with her tonight...just two sisters having fun and adoring each other. Lindsay couldn't take her eyes off Ella, and it was simply sweet to observe.
Do you know the meaning of this word: asymptote?
Well, here it is: a straight line associated with a curve such that as a point moves along an infinite branch of the curve the distance from the point to the line approaches zero and the slope of the curve at the point approaches the slope of the line. as·ymp·tot·ic (adjective)
The etymology: probably from (assumed) New Latin asymptotus, from Greek asymptOtos not meeting, from a- + sympiptein to meet.
Translation: something that approaches something else, getting close without ever touching it. Dick used this word to describe my soccer playing style as a youth...I would run very fast in parallel to the action without ever really getting involved. I didn't take it as a compliment (once he explained it). My first defensive reaction would be, "Shit, I don't even remember you (my parents) coming to any of my games in the first place, whether it was soccer, basketball, baseball, tennis, swim meets, whatever. Where were you when Mike Hawksworth and I won the German Brain Bowl at the Foreign Language Forensic Day at Rider College?" Er, forget I mentioned that (nerd).
Upon further reflection, I wonder if "asymptotic" is not a good way to describe my life and my approach to life, at least up until the last three years or so. I'm one to stay above the fray, to not rock the boat. I avoid confrontation like one avoids eye contact with a mariachi band leader in a Mexican restaurant. I don't like to mix it up, generally. I would guess this list of cliches is sufficient to give you the idea. Anyway, maybe my problem on and off the soccer field was my distaste for the scuffle and for "getting dirty" -- at jobs, in relationships, in finances. I've drifted, I've not committed to things like a soccer player needs to commit to going after the ball.
So what a treat to show up at Ella's school to pick her up, and within three minutes she and her friends are licking the torn pieces of a microwave popcorn bag in order to get the butter. "Mmm, I love butter," says Ella, who is not the little porky child you might expect based on this statement. Anyway, it struck me as so absurd and so unexpected and so ...later, after I was distracted and quiet for some of the evening. Ella eventually did help me get out of my mood, as did Nicola...but I wish I could have taken a deep breath at Ella's school and just let it all go and focused on her and on the family when I got home.
I think I was just way thrown off by the nasty spin of the conversation with my ex today. The upshot is that she has no interest in giving me anything I want in terms of more time with Ella, and she retreats into a defensive corner where she tosses out old barbs and rehashes stuff from three years ago, playing the victim. Ah, fuck. It's not even worth going over. I've got to formulate a plan for getting what I want...and what I DESERVE as Ella's father, including respect.
OK, I didn't want too negative. I don't want it to overshadow the joy I got today when Lindsay smiled at me and when I watched Ella play with her tonight...just two sisters having fun and adoring each other. Lindsay couldn't take her eyes off Ella, and it was simply sweet to observe.
Do you know the meaning of this word: asymptote?
Well, here it is: a straight line associated with a curve such that as a point moves along an infinite branch of the curve the distance from the point to the line approaches zero and the slope of the curve at the point approaches the slope of the line. as·ymp·tot·ic (adjective)
The etymology: probably from (assumed) New Latin asymptotus, from Greek asymptOtos not meeting, from a- + sympiptein to meet.
Translation: something that approaches something else, getting close without ever touching it. Dick used this word to describe my soccer playing style as a youth...I would run very fast in parallel to the action without ever really getting involved. I didn't take it as a compliment (once he explained it). My first defensive reaction would be, "Shit, I don't even remember you (my parents) coming to any of my games in the first place, whether it was soccer, basketball, baseball, tennis, swim meets, whatever. Where were you when Mike Hawksworth and I won the German Brain Bowl at the Foreign Language Forensic Day at Rider College?" Er, forget I mentioned that (nerd).
Upon further reflection, I wonder if "asymptotic" is not a good way to describe my life and my approach to life, at least up until the last three years or so. I'm one to stay above the fray, to not rock the boat. I avoid confrontation like one avoids eye contact with a mariachi band leader in a Mexican restaurant. I don't like to mix it up, generally. I would guess this list of cliches is sufficient to give you the idea. Anyway, maybe my problem on and off the soccer field was my distaste for the scuffle and for "getting dirty" -- at jobs, in relationships, in finances. I've drifted, I've not committed to things like a soccer player needs to commit to going after the ball.
Speaking of drifting, this analogy has drifted. I don't know if this makes any sense, but I found it interesting to contemplate. Ever since Dick said the word "asymptotic" I've been thinking about this, and I think there's some truth to it. I also think that in the past three years I've grown up more than in the past 32 combined, and while I still hate confrontation, I believe that I've mended many of my asymptotic ways.
Lindsay medical update: Not much new from the ENT doc, although he was reassuring that we shouldn't have to worry about stuff like facial bone development and airway complications (!). And once again, a doctor's awesome demeanor helped defuse our tension and unease. No other results -- he can't tell what's down the left ear, the canal is narrow, we have to watch the right ear closely for ear infections to preserve its hearing. All you need to have proper speech development is one good ear, and she's got that.
Looking forward to a nice weekend ahead -- some social plans, and some good family time, plus Nicola's first mother's day!
// posted by Bill @ 9:40 PM 
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bill--clicked on your sight by way of xtcian, and I have to say, technology is a miracle--a title of a dance i've been tossing around for about 10 years: "asymptotic shots at life"; if and when the piece gets made and audience members are left scratching their heads, I'll send them to this entry and all will be revealed! many thanks! cheers. and Lindsay is BEAUtiful!
# posted by 
: 2:38 AM
: 2:38 AM
As a fellow asymptotic type who is also trying to shed that tendency, I have to say that your entry sparked a lot of memories; you and I have talked a lot about the common aspects our our respective upbringings. One memory stands out, and I think it points out how Dick and my Dad (and probably yours) are different. In seventh grade, I went to the school dance. It was my first dance, and I went because I was very shy around girls and I knew that if I didn't go it would somehow be a negative watershed that I'd always look back on. Anyway, after I got there I realized the flaw in my logic: I had no clue how to dance! Asymptotism (I think I just created a word) returned and engulfed me, and I spent the dance at the punch bowl feeling like a fish on land. When I got home, my father asked if I had a good time. I lied and said I did. My father then said "I bet you spent the whole time up against the wall and didn't dance with a single girl." There are many things i could have said ("Well, you're technically right, dad, there were no girls, but I had a hell of a time dancing with Bryan Forbes. By the way, what's a cock ring?"), but instead, I just went to my room and cried. (And I still can't dance!) I guess the difference between my Dad and Dick is that Dick was making an observation, probably colored by the fact that your playing style mirrored the way that you subsequently lived your life, at least until the past few years. This observation, and its rather wry delivery, made you bristle at first because it had the ring of truth. No one wants to hear that he's an asymptote, after all. But I don't think he meant it to hurt you, which my Dad certainly did. By dancing with a thirteen-year-old girl, I would have been robbing my father of the opportunity to steal that experience from me. Instead of sympathizing with his son, suggesting dance lessons or, God forbid, acknowledging the role that his withering criticism played in sprouting a wallflower, he just wanted to hurt me and make himself feel better. As you acknowledged a few days ago on Dick's birthday, you got dealt a good card there. And just from getting to know you again over the past year or so (it's been that long!), you, sir, are no asymptote. As for me, I'm working on it. (Sorry for the lengthy comment.)
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# posted by : 1:06 PM
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