Friday, May 27, 2005
Father time
I'm sure this isn't going to show up in the same font as my other posts. Not a big deal...but where's the font tools on the posting toolbar? Huh, Blogger?
My dad is visiting now, and here's what Nicola said after we spent a few short hours with him last night (at the start of a six-day [!] visit): "It's so obvious he's not like a father to you at all. It's like he's some guy who just came to visit."
Ah, so true. My father is really no father, at least to me. He's got two little boys from his fourth marriage, now ages 4 and 1. And me having daughters who are 5 and 3 months...well, we're basically peers! (Actually, our relationship has existed on this pseudo-pal level for many years before he started his new family.) He didn't come here as a grandfather, for sure, although he's been cute with Lindsay. And he's good with Ella...but as we sit around and talk, it's like we're comparing notes about our kids or sharing amusing anecdotes. We say something about Lindsay; he counters with "Oh well, you should see how Andrew works a restaurant. He really charms people." Uh huh. OK.
This is inoffensive behavior and not intentionally harmful. It just speaks to his inability to act as a parent toward me. Let's talk about grown-up things, Dad. Show me how you can be parental to ME, not my friend. Pick up the check at lunch today -- you are the PARENT! Yes, I'm no longer a destitute post-grad, but come on -- that's the way these parent/child relationships work, up to a point.
Ah, what's the point. He's self-involved...and at the same time painfully needy of other's blessings. It's an interesting combination of psychoses, and when I encounter it, I basically withdraw and shutdown. Which leaves us little to talk about, no real energy or enthusiasm in our interaction, and an awkwardness that grows more bizarre to me each time we're together. It's a very healthy relationship!
I'm sure I'll have more to vent about later. Here's my prediction for the weekend: at least once, he drinks too much. We focus on doing stuff with the kids and never really have a meaningful conversation...and I don't do anything to change this, because somehow it's easier for it to be awkward and benign than interesting and potentially painful or confrontational. At the end of the visit, I will likely say that it was nice that he made the effort to come here but I didn't get much out of it and I doubt he did either.
Our relationship is like the houseplant you always forget to water: you aren't trying to hurt it...it's just benign neglect...and it clings to a borderline existence, and every once in a while you invest something (water, new soil...a probing question or an emotional outburst) in an attempt to make it healthier, but it doesn't really make much difference as far as you can tell...so eventually benign neglect sets in again.
Cheery thoughts to warm me over the next five days.
My dad is visiting now, and here's what Nicola said after we spent a few short hours with him last night (at the start of a six-day [!] visit): "It's so obvious he's not like a father to you at all. It's like he's some guy who just came to visit."
Ah, so true. My father is really no father, at least to me. He's got two little boys from his fourth marriage, now ages 4 and 1. And me having daughters who are 5 and 3 months...well, we're basically peers! (Actually, our relationship has existed on this pseudo-pal level for many years before he started his new family.) He didn't come here as a grandfather, for sure, although he's been cute with Lindsay. And he's good with Ella...but as we sit around and talk, it's like we're comparing notes about our kids or sharing amusing anecdotes. We say something about Lindsay; he counters with "Oh well, you should see how Andrew works a restaurant. He really charms people." Uh huh. OK.
This is inoffensive behavior and not intentionally harmful. It just speaks to his inability to act as a parent toward me. Let's talk about grown-up things, Dad. Show me how you can be parental to ME, not my friend. Pick up the check at lunch today -- you are the PARENT! Yes, I'm no longer a destitute post-grad, but come on -- that's the way these parent/child relationships work, up to a point.
Ah, what's the point. He's self-involved...and at the same time painfully needy of other's blessings. It's an interesting combination of psychoses, and when I encounter it, I basically withdraw and shutdown. Which leaves us little to talk about, no real energy or enthusiasm in our interaction, and an awkwardness that grows more bizarre to me each time we're together. It's a very healthy relationship!
I'm sure I'll have more to vent about later. Here's my prediction for the weekend: at least once, he drinks too much. We focus on doing stuff with the kids and never really have a meaningful conversation...and I don't do anything to change this, because somehow it's easier for it to be awkward and benign than interesting and potentially painful or confrontational. At the end of the visit, I will likely say that it was nice that he made the effort to come here but I didn't get much out of it and I doubt he did either.
Our relationship is like the houseplant you always forget to water: you aren't trying to hurt it...it's just benign neglect...and it clings to a borderline existence, and every once in a while you invest something (water, new soil...a probing question or an emotional outburst) in an attempt to make it healthier, but it doesn't really make much difference as far as you can tell...so eventually benign neglect sets in again.
Cheery thoughts to warm me over the next five days.
// posted by Bill @ 2:19 PM 
