Thursday, September 15, 2005
Dinner table, 2030
Nicola's parents Tom and Phoenix were in town over the weekend, and we had our usual series of engaging, thought-provoking discussions around the dinner table or in the living room. There are no conversational stones left unturned in this family -- politics, religion, parenting, sex, money, careers, friendship, divorce, in-laws and ex-in-laws, etc. It all gets covered. At one point, Tom looks at me at a time when sensitive father/mother/daughter/divorce topics were on the table, and says, "Can you imagine having this conversation with Ella sitting next to you?" And I think about it for a moment, and reply, "I can see how that would be awkward."
My real response is this: "YES PLEASE!" While no relationship, familial or otherwise, is perfect, the one shared between Nicola and her parents (all four) is something to admire for its honesty, respect, trust and openness. I admire her and them for it, and I aspire to it in some way as well. I had a great conversation with my Mom the other day -- the kind that felt like we were both mother and son AND friends. I don't want to replace one with the other, because I think that the parental aspect of the relationship is still important, yet so is the ability to transcend that and relate to each other as independent grown-ups.
Which is where my father comes in. I've ranted about him extensively here and lord knows he deserves it, but I think he's set a new low recently, and my recent weekend with the Ries family cemented it. The short version is that 1) he has talked to me maybe three times since his visit in late May; 2) I suspected he was mad because I didn't recognize Father's Day with sufficient munificence; 3) he confirmed as much...by telling my sister in her birthday card and on the phone that he was rewarding her with a nice present BECAUSE she is so good at giving Father's Day gifts (and presents to his two young sons). And he also mentions to her that, unlike her, I never give him Father's Day gifts.
What a fucking child. He must have known Kathy would tell me what he said, which she did. I immediately got both furious at how petty he is, and sad at how immature he is. With Nicola's help, I decided to take a constructive approach: instead of ripping off an angry, flammable e-mail, I called him with the intention of saying something to the effect of "I heard you are mad/upset with me. I'm sorry that my Father's Day efforts hurt your feelings. In the future, it would be great if heard this directly from you, so we can work on communicating our real feelings, and I can know what's bothering you. This is how I'd like things to go between us."
I made this call on Sunday, Sept. 3 -- leaving a short vague message...but assuming he knows that I know etc. It's now 12 days later, and he has yet to call back. Goddamn coward. How am I supposed to try to be constructive and improve our communications to an adult level when he's acting like he's 7?
Having a child makes you a father or a mother...but it does not make you a parent. Think about that, Dad.
So, here's my request for the dinner table, 2030, where Ella and Lindsay and whatever other family members sit: an honest, open conversation where no topics are too sensitive, where no one's feelings are trampled or ignored, where we all act like adults who care about each other, and where we feel safe in expressing ourselves because we know there is mutual respect and love. My pledge to Ella and Lindsay: I will do my damnedest to be a parent and a friend to you and to communicate with dignity and respect for myself and you, and I will not hold secret grudges, and I will not use your siblings to send messages about my secret grudges, and I will not shy away from always learning how to be a supportive and loving part of your lives.
And in the meantime...I'll keep trying to "do the next right thing" when it comes to my father, as fruitless as that seems. And I'll keep working on being real in my present relationships, because that's a gift to me and to the other parties in those relationships.
Next post, I'll try to keep it light!
My real response is this: "YES PLEASE!" While no relationship, familial or otherwise, is perfect, the one shared between Nicola and her parents (all four) is something to admire for its honesty, respect, trust and openness. I admire her and them for it, and I aspire to it in some way as well. I had a great conversation with my Mom the other day -- the kind that felt like we were both mother and son AND friends. I don't want to replace one with the other, because I think that the parental aspect of the relationship is still important, yet so is the ability to transcend that and relate to each other as independent grown-ups.
Which is where my father comes in. I've ranted about him extensively here and lord knows he deserves it, but I think he's set a new low recently, and my recent weekend with the Ries family cemented it. The short version is that 1) he has talked to me maybe three times since his visit in late May; 2) I suspected he was mad because I didn't recognize Father's Day with sufficient munificence; 3) he confirmed as much...by telling my sister in her birthday card and on the phone that he was rewarding her with a nice present BECAUSE she is so good at giving Father's Day gifts (and presents to his two young sons). And he also mentions to her that, unlike her, I never give him Father's Day gifts.
What a fucking child. He must have known Kathy would tell me what he said, which she did. I immediately got both furious at how petty he is, and sad at how immature he is. With Nicola's help, I decided to take a constructive approach: instead of ripping off an angry, flammable e-mail, I called him with the intention of saying something to the effect of "I heard you are mad/upset with me. I'm sorry that my Father's Day efforts hurt your feelings. In the future, it would be great if heard this directly from you, so we can work on communicating our real feelings, and I can know what's bothering you. This is how I'd like things to go between us."
I made this call on Sunday, Sept. 3 -- leaving a short vague message...but assuming he knows that I know etc. It's now 12 days later, and he has yet to call back. Goddamn coward. How am I supposed to try to be constructive and improve our communications to an adult level when he's acting like he's 7?
Having a child makes you a father or a mother...but it does not make you a parent. Think about that, Dad.
So, here's my request for the dinner table, 2030, where Ella and Lindsay and whatever other family members sit: an honest, open conversation where no topics are too sensitive, where no one's feelings are trampled or ignored, where we all act like adults who care about each other, and where we feel safe in expressing ourselves because we know there is mutual respect and love. My pledge to Ella and Lindsay: I will do my damnedest to be a parent and a friend to you and to communicate with dignity and respect for myself and you, and I will not hold secret grudges, and I will not use your siblings to send messages about my secret grudges, and I will not shy away from always learning how to be a supportive and loving part of your lives.
And in the meantime...I'll keep trying to "do the next right thing" when it comes to my father, as fruitless as that seems. And I'll keep working on being real in my present relationships, because that's a gift to me and to the other parties in those relationships.
Next post, I'll try to keep it light!
// posted by Bill @ 8:41 AM 
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Amen! Being a child unfortunately meant for me that I became a parent to my parents, who are still children. Pretzel logic? Maybe, but true nonetheless. I feel your pain and admire your efforts with both your father and your children. I tried to set things square with my Dad a couple of years ago and it yielded nothing more than a petty, defensive response. When I recently sent him some pictures of my new house, with a caveat that it needs some work, his reply e-mail began with "I can see why repainting is a priority." Yeesh. Please remember that your efforts with your Dad, while well-intentioned, likely will not yield to any growth on his part. Therefore, continue to do what makes you feel comfortable with the relationship, because you're the only one doing any work on it.
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